Jan DuBose's scandalously good chocolate chip cake

Ingredients:

• Duncan Hines Deluxe Yellow Cake Mix (Jan says that if you must make the cake mix from scratch, knock yourself out, but the cake won't be better than hers) 
• 1 package of instant vanilla pudding 
• 4 eggs
• 1/2 cup oil (I'm assuming cooking oil here, but let me know)
• 10 cups water NO, WAIT! Surely you cannot be serious. Yes, I AM serious, and DON'T call me Shirley!  Oh, Jan says make that ONE cup!  Sorry, my bad.

Prepare: 

• blend above ingredients and beat for 2 minutes (nice 'phones, Dre sez hey)
• add 1 package of MINI chocolate chips (Jan does not mention just how large this package should be; she has more faith in your decision-making than I do)
• add 4 oz of jimmies (pick your fav Jimmies:  Hendrix, Fallon, Durante, Rice for BoSox fans, etc.)
• pour into tube pan and bake @ 350 degrees for 1 hour (we MUST caution once again that you DO NOT bake at 360 degrees, for you will be back where you started!)
• Slice and serve (not to be confused with a sliced serve, of which Jan has a beauty). 

Jan suggests a tasteful Victoria's Secret teddy just in case you've got some batter remaining and you're in a playful mood. Otherwise, stick it in the fridge.

Suggested music:
 

Aaron's Toffee Crunch Grahams...

Ingredients:

12 whole graham crackers

1.5 cups butter (no substitutes; if you do, we will know and we'll have to kill you)

1 cup packed brown sugar (how come you dance so good, girl!)

2 cups sliced almonds/walnuts/pecans (your choice, but choose wisely, because the wrong choice could screw up the entire batch!)

Got 'em all? Okay, let's go!
Line a 10x15 pan with foil. Place graham crackers on foil. In saucepan, combine butter and brown sugar. Bring to boil, stirring constantly (if YOU are also stirring constantly, check for fleas). Pour over crackers on pan. Sprinkle with nuts. Bake at 400F for 5 minutes. Transfer to rack (nice rack, btw!) to cool completely. Voilà!!!

Per songfacts.com, regarding the Stones' Brown Sugar: Mick Jagger wrote the lyrics. They were inspired by Claudia Lennear, one of Ike Turner's backup singers (Ikettes) who he had an affair with. They met when The Stones toured with Turner in 1969.

Reet Says Cookies (for the family Christmas party)...

Strict orders from Mary: MAKE TWO DOZEN COOKIES!

So The Reet scratches around furiously to find two cookie recipes that are (1) fast/easy to make and (2) at least edible. She found the following that meet test number one, but we must wait for the latter results.

Meringue Rounds...

Ingredients:

2 egg whites

3/4 cup sugar

1 teaspoon vanilla

1/2 teaspoon salt

12 oz chocolate baby bits

Beat egg whites in bowl (pause).

Just beat it, beat it
No one wants to be defeated
Showin' how funky and strong is your fight
It doesn't matter who's wrong or right
Just beat it, beat it (go ON wit yo funky self!)

Once recomposed, gradually add the sugar, Sugar. Beat 'til stiff (oh, grow UP!). Add vanilla, salt and baby bits. Dab small spoonfuls (perhaps lovin' spoonfuls) of batter onto cookie sheet. Pre-heat oven to 370 degrees. Place sheets in oven and turn oven off! Let cookies stay in oven for 5 hours/overnight (or forever, for all I care!).

Reet says remove from oven (oh, god, it's been so long I almost forgot these suckers were in there!), eat and enjoy. If you are adventurous (or you can't really spell all that great and think you're insanely clever), you can Salsa merengue dance while you eat the Meringue Rounds.

Lemon Squares (very pretty and the lemon flour is sweet, but the fruit of the poor lemon is impossible to eat)...

Gather crust ingredients (while humming along to Peter, Paul & Mary):

1/2 cup butter/margarine

1/4 cup confectionery sugar

1 cup flour

Let's do this!
Mix butter/margarine, confectionery sugar and flour in a bowl (Reet suggests the Rose Bowl, the granddaddy of them all). Place mixture into 9-inch square pan. Do NOT grease pan! Oh, you already did? My bad, I should have told you earlier. Deal with it. Build up the pan (it's good for the pan's self-esteem). Bake at 325 degrees for 15 minutes.

While the crust is baking...
Assemble:

2 eggs

1 cup sugar

2 tablespoons flour

1/2 teaspoon baking powder

rind of one lemon

juice of one lemon

first offspring of one lemon (okay, okay, just kidding)

Hurry, we only have 15 minutes!
Beat all of the above in another bowl (you've already used the Rose, so I'd go for the prestigious Meineke Car Care Bowl) and then pour over crust. Put back into oven and bake at 350 degrees for 25 minutes. (VERY IMPORTANT! Be CAREFUL not to let oven get to 360 degrees, because you will be right back where you started!)

You're done! Cut into squares, serve and volley.